How to get me to ship sperm to you

 As I discussed earlier on this blog, I almost never ship sperm.

In short, the main reasons are because:

• Shipping is quite expensive
• I only donate anonymously. 
• The only way for me to maintain my anonymity is to have full costs of shipping pre-paid by recipient
• Donating locally is more likely to work. 
• So on a given day, if there is a choice, I will donate locally instead of ship, always
• Shipping is a hassle for me
• For detailed explanations of all that, see the blog link above

If you absolutely, positively, definitely need me to ship to you, you need to:

1. Pre-pay for UPS Air Next Day (or Next Day Early) label from UPS center of my choice, to you.
2. Send me the cost of shipping kit (plus the seller's shipping charge if they don't offer free shipping) in advance, anonymously, via paypal/Venmo; accepting the risk that comes with such arrangement.
• Alternately, come up with another way which allows me to preserve my anonymity and avoid the risk of losing money. I couldn't think of one, but maybe you can. I'm open to ideas. 
3. Agree to the extra conditions on shipping listed below.

Conditions you must agree to, if you want me to ship:

1. You agree to pre-pay, anonymously, the full cost of shipping
• Only UPS Next Day Air or Air Early are acceptable. I do not ship FedEx or USPS.
2. The pre-payment must be completed at least 2 weeks before asked shipping date
• So there is enough time for me to order shipping kit and for it to arrive from vendor.
3. You agree that if a local recipient requests me to donate on the day(s) you ask for, I will cancel your shipping and instead donate locally. 
• I will fully refund the UPS portion of your payment (if you ordered pre-paid label, you can cancel/refund yourself).
• I will NOT refund the cost of shipping kit, until I re-use that kit for future shipping donation to you or someone else. 
• If the TYB spoils/expires before I can ship next, that is not refundable at all.
4. You either agree to use my preferred shipping kit, OR do your OWN research of which shipping kit to use and send me a link. 
• I reserve the right to refuse to use kits that seem bad.
5. You agree that if the shipping kit does not arrive or arrives damaged, I will not refund you the cost. 
• If it arrives too late for your desired date, I can ship next cycle, unless someone local wants me to donate on that date as discussed above.
6. You agree not to hold me responsible for ANY problems that arise from shipping. Included but not limited to:
• I choose to donate to someone locally on the date you wanted
• Shipping kit you want me to order arrives too late, or is damaged
• Sperm gets damaged while I pack, or in transit when I ship
• Donations do not work. Shipping is less reliable than local donations, and far less likely to succeed.
• Acts of god (meaning, I can't ship on the date you want for a legit reason - I got sick, I had a family emergency, I had work emergency, UPS office closed earlier, etc...)
• Anything else.
7. You agree to respect my anonymity. This means:
• I will not give you my address, duh
• I will not sign notarized contracts
• I will not send you or email you my STD test results or my drivers licence etc...
• I am willing to show you anonymized STD test results on video call
8. You agree not to waste my time. 
• Read this entire post in detail. If I have to spend more than 5 minutes explaining to you anything that is covered here, I will not bother helping you. 
• I won't agree to lengthy video chats. 3-5 minutes should be enough to establish that I am who I claim I am, and to show you STD test results.
• If you ask any questions covered by this blog, or by my donor profile which I will email you, I will not bother helping you. Do your homework and respect my time, please.
• If I have to spend more than 30 minutes total dealing with you before you send me payment, spoiler alert: I won't bother helping you.
9. If you order a bulk kit (5 or 10 items at once), which are usually far cheaper on average, I will agree to refund you the full cost of the kits that you do not use to ship to you - if and after I use them to ship to someone else. 

Exact steps to take if you want me to ship:

1. Agree - in email - to every bullet point in the above list. My email address is in my blog profile.
2. Choose a shipping kit. Either one I prefer from this blog post, or your own. If the vendor has more than one kit, decide which one (bulk kits are usually far cheaper on average).
3. Find out full price of your chosen kit including cost of shipping the kit to New Jersey.
4. Email me the link and exact list of what kit(s) you want me to order.
5. Choose UPS shipping method (Next Day Air or Next Day Air Early)
6. Price that UPS shipping method from Paramus, NJ to your location on UPS web site
7. If you choose to pre-pay your own UPS shipping label, order that and send me the reciept/barcode I will be able to use. 
• Otherwise, add the UPS shipping price from #6, to the kit cost from #3
8. Send me your postal address (unless you prepaid UPS shipping label yourself)
9. Send me the number of times and specific dates you want me to ship.
10. Ask me any questions you have that are NOT covered by this blog's posts or my donor profile.
11. Optionally, if you want: Schedule a 3-5 minute video call.
12. Pay me the full cost of kit, plus either full cost of UPS shipping OR pre-paid label
• Must be paid via PayPal. I may agree to some other P2P method if it is anonymous.
• Must be sent at least 2 weeks before asked shipping date!

NONE of the above is negotiable. If you do not like it, sorry but you are welcome to pay $1000s to sperm bank, instead of asking me to help you for free. (I only charge exact costs of shipping, I do not charge even a single cent for myself for actual donation - despite it costing me time and effort).