What should I ask the donor? I'm new!

Some of the recipients I deal with are pretty new to the whole process. 

Understandably, they don't even know what they should ask. 

To help them, here is a basic list of things to consider, and ask the donor.

This list is somewhat geared towards donors and recipients interested in Artificial Insemination (AI) donations. 

Location/Travel: 

• Does the donor live nearby? Remember, sperm cannot survive in a jar longer than 1 hour, and realistically should not be longer than 20 minutes for good chances of conception.
• If donor is not nearby, are you willing and able to travel to them? 
• Would it be a same-day trip, or require an overnight? 
• If overnight, where do the recipients stay (at a hotel, at the other person's house, etc)? 
• More importantly, where will you inseminate that is within 20 (at most 60) minutes of donation location?
• Some people get a hotel room, some inseminate in their car.
• In some (very rare for Artificial insemination) cases an AI donor will be gracious enough to agree to travel to you or meet you half-way - will you pay expenses for that? Where will the donor stay? 

Availability: 

Conception involves careful timing (insemination at the right point in the cycle, hopefully confirmed by ovulation tests). Does the donor understand this, and can he be reliably available when needed?

Method: 

The recipient should consider if she prefers Artificial Insemination (AI), usually done by the woman at home/hotel (using a syringe, or a softcup), using the sperm donated by AI donor into a jar; or if she prefers NI (sex to conceive, aka "natural" insemination). 

• There are a lot of NI-only donors, but don't feel pressured into NI if you aren't comfortable with sex. 
• Warning: on some public donor forums, if you ask for AI only, you may be treated to negative reaction from people who are only looking for sex. As elsewhere in life, the best way to handle it is to ignore the trolls and concentrate on what you want and need. But be prepared for some people to be rude and insulting. 
• If you want AI, it's OK to take longer to find a donor willing to do AI. 
• The author of this blog is an AI donor, so they can obviously be found :)
• Is the donor comfortable with your preference? 
• Some people only want sex and won't agree to be an AI donor.
• Some people are the opposite and prefer to be an AI donor, for example for STD safety reasons.
• If you decide you are open to (or prefer) NI, consider all risks.
• For example, NI donors are both more likely to infect you with an STD due to you having sex, but also are far more likely to be STD infected in the first place, since they are willing and actually seeking random people they don't know to have sex with.

Shipping:

Sperm can be shipped to a recipient's home, which eliminates the need to be in the same geographic area or to travel. If you live far away from a donor, you can ask if shipping is an option for the donor.

However, very few legitimate donors ship:

• First of all, shipping is incredibly unreliable and unlikely to succeed. This post isn't the place to discuss details but I can provide them if you wish
• Second, shipping is incredibly expensive (several hundred dollars per single donation, if done right). Almost no recipient who ever asked me for shipping ever came back to talk to me when I showed them the real costs.
• Public service announcement: if someone offers you to ship sperm for $100, they ARE SCAMMING YOU. There is no way you can ship sperm overnight for that cheap. See above blog link where I analyze realistic costs.
• The author of this blog does not usually ship, and I have a post explaining why, and why it's not good for the recipient either.

Contact after conception/birth: 

The recipient should consider what level of contact (if any) she wants with the donor after the child is born. 

• Will you tell the donor when you give birth? 
• Do you want the option of contacting the donor (for example, in case you have questions about medical history, or simple curiosity)? 
• Are you comfortable occasionally sharing photos of the child, if he's interested? 
• Would you want the child to have the option of meeting the donor eventually, usually after age 18? 
• Would you want (or be open) to donor meeting the child occasionally while they grow up? And how often?
• And, does the donor want that?  
• Would you want to cut ties, with no contact or communication with the donor after the child is either conceived or born? 
• Do you want the option of going either way based on circumstances, figuring this out later? 
• Some donors are willing to be flexible either way - you won't know if you don't ask.
• Whatever you want (or feel you might want, in the future) - is the donor comfortable with that situation? 
• Some donors have particular expectations about what should happen after the child is born
• It's important to discuss this in advance, to make sure you're both on the same page.

Public service annoucement: If you wish to have no risk of a donor coming into contact with the child later against your wishes, I strongly urge you to be an anonymous recipient! (Don't give the donor your real name, don't give them your real official email address and instead create a special new gmail/yahoo/icloud email address just for donor communication. Don't meet the donor at your house, obviously).

Siblings: 

Some recipients prefer using a donor who will be available for additional donations in future years, so if she wants another child, she can have full siblings. Think about that in advance, and if so, confirm with the donor if they will agree to it.

Fertility: 

Has the donor conceived children before? Some men are infertile, and when choosing a sperm donor, it's nice to have some assurance that he's fertile.

Experience: 

• Has the donor been a sperm donor before? 
• If a donor has experience, you know that he's comfortable being a sperm donor
• That means he is less likely to bail/flake out when it comes time to hand over the sperm
• And means he has already been through the experience emotionally of biologically fathering a child without involvement as a parent, and will not cause problems after birth. 
• Also, they probably know things to discuss and consider.
• If you are considering NI (sex) donation, consider the opposite - does the donor seem too "promiscuous"? That obviously means increased STD risk.

References:

• Your personal wishes may vary, but it's likely you will work with a donor who has donated before. From the positive point of view, this is a benefit to you - they have proven fertility, and they already "know what they are doing" and know they can emotionally handle being a donor.
• But another possible benefit is that if they are a good donor, some of their past successful recipients might possibly willing to serve as references.
• IMPORTANT: Having references available is in no way a guarantee! 
• Why? Because having a child with the help of a donor is an intensely personal undertaking. Some recipients don't even want ANY contact with the donor after conception, for any reason, ever. Some would be unwilling to talk to strangers about their experiences. Etc... 
• Which means that you should always ASK the donor if they have references available, but never expect the answer to be "yes", nor should you use lack of references as a red flag (though having good references is clearly a green flag :)
• AI donor who is an author of this blog has references from past successful recipients. Feel free to ask!

Motivation: 

• Why does he want to donate sperm? 
• For many people, this may not matter - the bottom line is that he's available and willing to provide sperm. 
• Also, not everyone is honest about their real reasons with the recipient - or sometimes are not even honest with themselves. People like to see themselves in best light usually :)
• Some recipients care about the reason, and the reasons can be quite varied. 
• This is especially important if you prefer keeping in touch afterwards, since the donor's motivations may influence how he will relate to you in the future, and his expectations about contact (so you can see if there's a risk of his wanting more or less than you want). 
• For example, if a donor has no children of their own and "wants to be a daddy", they are likely a bigger risk of asserting their paternal rights and wanting to be a part of child's life later. I have talked to recipients who ran into this situation.
• Also, especially with NI donation, some women prefer donors who actually care about the concept of creating life, instead of most NI donors who are likely motivated primarily by sex. 
• But again, how do you know if a donor tells you the truth, or just tells you what you want to hear just to get laid?

STD status: 

• A woman wants STD-free semen for obvious reasons. 
• The donor should be able to provide recent STD tests, for your peace of mind.
• It's good to be prepared to pay for testing, if you want new testing - at least for AI donations. 
• The author of this blog gets tested for STDs regularly, FYI, and won't charge you for the test.. But some donors might.

Medical history: 

• Is the donor in good health? 
• Has he had any serious medical issues? 
• What's the medical history for his parents (some age-related heritable health issues may show up there first)?

Photographs: 

• Do you find the donor attractive? (assuming that matters to you)
• Does the donor have more than one photo? If not it may be a warning sign that they are not on the level.
• Some recipients ask the donor for a video chat call, Skype or Google Meet or Zoom. 
• Recipient may ask to see the donor's photos as a baby/child, if available
• Recipient may ask to see the photos of donor's children (if they have any), or the babies the donor helped make via donations (if the donor has those, and has permission to share).
• This last one is an important point - if a donor is willing to send around photos of other recipients' kids, without their permission - he will also be doing the same to your kids if you use their help. Not good!

Personality: 

• Do you like the donor? 
• Do you find him easy to relate to, are you comfortable with communications? 
• This matters for two reasons - the process of trying to conceive may involve a fair amount of communication, perhaps for a long period of time if it takes several cycles, and it's important that you can get along well, not have lots of miscommunications.
• And personality is somewhat heritable, would you be comfortable raising a child who has some of his personality traits?

Desirable traits: 

• Different people have different preferences about what traits are desirable. Examples include intelligence, musical ability, athletics/sports, certain hobbies, etc. 
• When choosing a donor, you're free to favor prospective donors who have traits that you personally admire, find attractive, or would be happy to see reflected in a child.
• Traits may or may not be heritable, but it is something you can tilt the odds for ...
• On the other hand, remember - if you want a donor who has a PhD and played for NFL and performs as classical violon player, that is totally your right. But it does not mean you will find your unicorn fast, or, let's be honest, at all, looking for a free (especially AI) donor on Internet :)

You don't need to ask all these questions at once. I would suggest starting by checking to see if a donation is even possible - especially location wise. 

Also, remember - donors are real people, not creations for a sperm catalog, and it's rare to find someone who is a perfect match in every respect. So it's helpful to be willing to compromise somewhat on matters that aren't important to you - be willing to travel farther than you might prefer, or patient if a donor is usually available but sometimes travels for work and may need to miss some cycles, etc. What items on this list matter to an individual woman is a personal matter, and if your options are limited, you can choose to filter by whatever characteristics are most important to you.